


Heart Full Of Stars

by kpop_fan122



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Severus Snape - Freeform, Sirius Black & James Potter Friendship, Young James Potter, Young Peter Pettigrew, Young Remus Lupin, Young Sirius Black
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-12
Updated: 2021-01-06
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:36:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 13,640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28025592
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kpop_fan122/pseuds/kpop_fan122
Summary: Your best friends James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter all think that this is the year that you fall in love. You are convinced your not. In fact, you are perfectly fine with not liking anyone. People just let you down anyways.But when a certain someone that your friends hate keeps being thrown into your life, are you able to keep away?TRIGGER WARNINGThis story includes Self harm, anxiety, and depression
Kudos: 1





	1. 1

I eagerly looked around the platform, hoping to see my best friends. I didn't see them anywhere. I groaned. James specifically said for all of us to meet on the platform.

I waited until the train was just about to leave. Maybe they already got on the train.

I got on the train and went to our usual compartment. I slid the door open. There they all are. James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter.

They looked over at me.

"Y/N!" Exclaimed Peter. He jumped up and gave me a hug. He pulled away and sat back down. I took the only seat left. In Between Remus and the window. I crossed my arms.

"James said to meet on the platform." I said annoyed.

"Sorry Y/N. We wanted to get to our spots before some dumb first year took it." Said James. I rolled my eyes.

"Whatever. We could just have found a different one."

"It's tradition that we sit here." Said Sirius. I said nothing and turned my head to look out the window.

The train whistle blew and we started to move.

"So James, tell us about Lilly. You barely wrote about her in your letters." Said Remus. Now I am interested in the conversation. I turned my head to look at the guys. James grinned.

"You would be quite surprised." Said Sirius as he wiggled his eyebrows.

"Now you must tell us." Insisted Remus.

"Well," James began. "I wrote to her quite a bit over the summer. They got quite flirty. We both confessed how we feel about each other," I leaned forward and cut him off.

"Which is?" I asked eagerly.

"We both really like each other." Said James. I clapped my hands with pleasure. I have been wanting them to get together for so so so so long!

"That's wonderful!" I said. James blushed.

"I know. Anyways, I asked her if she wanted to go to me to Hogsmeade the first time we go this year."

"She better have said yes." I said.

"She did." Interjected Sirius. I smiled.

"I am so happy for you James!"

"Thanks." James all of a sudden got a mischievous look on his face. "Ya know Y/N, we should find you someone this year. What about Corban Lerry?"

"Ewww. Not him. Let alone anyone from your year."

"What's so bad about sixth years?" Asked Remus defensively.

"They are all annoying."

"Even us?" Asked Peter.

"Duh. But you guys are like, extra annoying." I smiled and they all laughed except Peter.

"It's a joke Peter." Whispered Remus.

"Oh." Peter started nervously laughing.

"Are you interested in anyone Y/N?" Asked Sirius. He glanced at Remus then back to me.

"No."

"None catches your fancy?" Asked Sirius.

"Nope." Sirius smirked.

"We'll see about that. I bet by the end of the year you are going to find someone you like."

"I highly doubt that. I am perfectly fine with only having crushes on book characters."

"Come on Y/N. Real people are so much better. You can actually feel them." Said James.

"No they aren't."

"Whatever." Said James. The conversation turned to how much they didn't like Severus.

I looked out the window and tuned them out. I don't really like the way they talk about other people. Especially Severus. They are extra mean to him. Severus is mean as well but I think that if the guys left him alone he wouldn't bother them.

The rest of the ride to Hogwarts I just thought of my book crushes. I love reading. I love to escape this world and go somewhere else for a few hours. Although my parents are muggles and I technically get to leave the wizarding world every summer and winter break to go somewhere else but, it's more fun if it's not real. Sometimes being at Hogwarts feels like a dream. I honestly thought it was five years ago when I got my letter. My parents were just as surprised as I was. They thought that it was a joke being played on us so they threw it away. An hour later five more came. They threw those away. Then hundreds of them came flying down the chimney. That was when we realized, maybe this is actually real. I am now a fifth year. It feels like so long ago I got my letter.

At the end of the train ride I put my robes with the red Gryffindor crest on. We left the train and made our way inside. I somehow got separated from the guys. I mentally groaned. I feel a bit vulnerable without them. I am used to getting made fun of because of my blood status. But, when I am with them none bothers me. I kept my head down, looking at the ground.

My head bumped into something. I looked up. The person's back was to me but I know that long black hair anywhere. Severus. My eyes widened. He turned around. He did not look happy.

"Watch where you are going!" He said angrily. I started panicking. I noticed his height. I have never really been this close to him in a really long time. I always see him from a distance. He was so freaking tall. He towers over me.

"Sorry." I said quietly. He scoffed, turned around and strode off to the great hall. I took a deep breath, trying to calm my racing heart.

I walked into the great hall and towards the Gryffindor table. I spotted the guys but something was unusual. Lilly was sitting next to James. I felt happiness well in my chest. I am always so happy for others when good stuff happens to them. I walked over them and sat down next to Sirius. He gave me a side hug.

"Sorry we lost ya in the crowd." He said.

"It's my fault Y/N. I distracted James and they all followed like dogs." Said Lilly. She smiled at me.

"Oh it's alright. I am glad to see you sitting with us." Lilly blushed.

"What happened to you when we lost you?" Asked James.

"Oh nothing much. Just accidentally ran into Severus and he yelled at me." The guys immediately stood up.

"I am gonna go kill that son of a bitch." Sirius said angrily. I grabbed his sleeve. He looked down at me.

"It's fine. Don't do anything stupid."

"We can't let him think he can do whatever he wants to one of us. We need to teach him a lesson." Declared James. They tried to walk away.

"Guys please. Don't do anything," I begged "I don't want you guys to get in trouble on the first day back." They glanced at each other. They threw themselves back down. The guys are really protective over me. They are in a way, like my brothers.

I don't have any siblings that I know of. I am adopted so I don't really know if I have any siblings out in the world. My adoptive parents can't have children so they adopted me. I really love my parents.

"He's right Y/N." Said Peter. "If we let Severus get away with it, he will probably do it again to you."

"I don't care. It's the first day back and I don't want to cause anymore trouble."

"I agree with Y/N." Said Lilly. "No matter how much I don't like Severus, you guys shouldn't do anything. It's the first day back after all." James nodded in agreement with Lilly. Note to self: If I need James to do something and he wont, just ask Lilly to tell him to do it.

Lilly winked at me and I smiled back. Sirius huffed beside me. I turned to him.

"You can have your fun for the rest of the year just behave tonight." He gave me the side eye. "Pleaseeeeeee?" He sighed.

"Fine." I gave him a side hug.

"Thank you!"

The rest of the feast was uneventful. The first years were sorted into their house's and Dumbledore gave a speech.

The guys and I walked together to the common room. Lilly left to go talk to her friend.

"Dumbledore's speech was even more dull than last year." Said Remus.

"Agreed." Said James and Sirius together.

"He can only say so many speeches for so many years until they get dull Remus." I teased. He smiled and blushed.

When we got to the common room, we bid good night and went our separate ways. Sometimes during the year we have sleepovers in the common room. Those are some of my favorite memories with them.

I climbed up the steps to my dormitory. I share with three other fifth year girls. They are overall nice but they are all best friends so I feel excluded a lot. It's ok though. At Least they are happy. And I have the guys anyways. They are better friends to me than those girls would ever be.

I swung open the door. The three girls were sitting on one of the beds. They looked up.

"Hey Y/N." Said Olivia.

"Hi."

"Did you have a good summer?" Ella asked.

"Yeah. You guys?" I asked. They all nodded.

"We spent most of it together." Said Aria

"Oh nice," I paused. "Are you guys going to be up long? I am really tired and want to get to sleep." 

"Yeah. We were just about to hit the hay when you walked in." Said Ella.

"Oh alright. Cool." I walked over to my bed. My trunk was placed at the bottom of my bed. I pulled out sweat pants and a t-shirt. I quickly changed. As did the other girls. I climbed in bed and pulled the soft covers over me. I let out a silent sigh. I missed being here so much.

I love my parents and all but, this is my home. I love Hogwarts. I belong here. I never felt like I belonged in the muggle world. I was always made fun of because I was different from the other kids. So when I got my Hogwarts letter, things clicked. All of the strange things I could do made sense.

The lights turned off and soon I fell asleep.


	2. 2

"Oh look, it's the mudblood." Someone said. I stopped dead in my tracks. Panic washing through me. I know that voice. Lindsay. I was hoping this year would be different.

The footsteps came closer to me. I wanted to move but my feet were glued to the floor. "Turn around mudblood." She said annoyed. I slowly turned around.The corridor was empty except for Lindsay, her friends, and I. Lindsay and her two friends were all wearing Slytherin robes. They are also in sixth year. Lindsay looked me up and down. "You gained so much weight, fat ass. None will ever like you."

"She looks like a pig!" Said one of her friends. Lindsay walked closer to me and grabbed a fistfull of my hair.

"You don't belong in our school. Get out mudblood." For all I know, I might not actually be a 'mudblood.' I have never met my real parents. They might actually be pure blood. But because I was raised by muggles I get called this by Lindsay and her friends a lot. Although it's been two weeks since school started and they haven't said anything until now. They have been bullying me since my first year. I have never told the guys about it because they would 'teach them a lesson.' They don't care if they are girls or not.

Lindsay yanked my hair to the side. I yelped in pain. "Serves you right mudblood." She let go of my hair. Her and her friends started laughing as they walked away. Once they were out of sight. I sunk to the ground and started to silently cry. I covered my eyes with my hands. I don't know how long I sat there for when someone spoke.

"Are you ok?" I looked up. It was Severus. I quickly got to my feet and whipped my face with my sleeve.

"Yeah. I am fine." I gave him a fake smile. I could tell by his facial expression that he didn't believe it.

"What happened?"

"Nothing happened. Thanks though." I ran past him before he could reply.

I wound up in my empty dormitory, staring at my trunk. I can't start doing that again. I thought I was getting better. Why do I feel like I need to do this? A tear fell from my eye. I walked over to my trunk and opened it. I rummaged around for a bit but finally found what I was looking for. A razor. I took it apart and took the blades with me into the bathroom.

I plopped down next to James and Sirius at a table in the back corner of the library.

"Hey." Said Sirius with a smile on his face. I tried to smile back but it probably looked like a grimace.

"Hi guys." I said quietly. James frowned.

"What's wrong?"

"Oh just ya know, ummm lots of homework that's stressing me out." James and Sirius exchanged a glance.

"Alright." They talked about mindless things for the next hour. I zoned out while staring out the window for most of the time. My arm stung. I have never told anyone about what I do. Not even the guys. No one. I haven't done that thing in eight months. I really thought I was getting better.

"Y/N?" Said a voice from behind me. I turned around in my chair.

"Severus?" I asked.

"Could I talk to you?" He asked.

"Get out of here Snivellus." Said James.

"Yeah. Y/N doesn't want to talk to you." Said Sirius. I turned to them and shot them a look that says, 'knock it off.' I turned back around to Severus.

"Sure." I stood up. He led me behind a bookshelf.

I leaned against the shelf. "What's up?"

"Are you ok?"

"Yeah. Why wouldn't I be?"

"Let me just get straight to the point. I saw what Lindsay did." My eyes widened but I quickly regained my composure.

"I dont know what you are talking about."

"Dont play dumb. I was there."

"So what you were stalking me?" He looked worried.

"No. I was passing by and I heard what Lindsay was saying."

"If you are so worried why didn't you do anything about it?"

"Because I thought you would have fought back! I wanted to let you fight your own battles. Something those guys you hang out with never do." He said angrily.

"You have no idea what you are talking about."

"Yes I do. Do they even know about Lindsay?"

"No and they don't need to know."

"Then you need to figure out how to defend yourself."

"Whatever Severus. I am done talking to you." I walked past Severus and headed back by Sirius and James.

"What did he want?" Asked James angrily. I shrugged.

"Nothing important."

"Are you ok? You look a little pale." Said Sirius.

"I am fine. Just tired. I should go to my dormitory." I stood up and left before they could say anything.

I spotted Remus sitting on a bench reading as I walked down the corridor. I walked over to him and sat down next to him. He looked up and smiled when he saw me.

"Hey Y/N." I smiled back.

"Hi. Good book?"

"Yeah. How did you know?"

"Well, I guessed and it's because you didn't even notice me until I sat down next to you." He laughed.

"Sorry."

"It's fine. I get it."

"Have you seen James, Peter, or Sirius lately?"

"Yeah. I was just with James and Sirius in the library."

"How come you left them? Were they being annoying?"

"Something like that. Anyways, I really need to go relax. I haven't been getting very good sleep and I don't feel the best." I lied.

"Oh alright. Would you like me to walk you to the common room?"

"Thanks but I got it." I gave him a small smile.

"Alright. Bye."

"Bye." I stood up and headed off towards my dormitory.


	3. 3

It's been two months since the first day of school. So far it has sucked.

Lindsay and her friends are mean to me verbally and physically a lot more. Probably because I haven't been with the guys much. James has been busy with Lilly so he is rarely with us anymore. And when the guys are together they are always bothering someone. Mostly Severus. Severus hasn't said anything to me since the time in the library. I don't like to be with the guys when they bother people. I don't like the things they say to others.

I feel alone a lot. My 'bad habit' has been getting bad again.

To make matters worse, I am failing potions. I was never really good at it but this year is so hard. I can barely keep up with whatever Professor Slughorn is saying.

I poked at whatever it was that's currently in front of me. Some sort of slime thing. Professor Slughorn wrote the steps on how to make this potion on the board. The problem is, I have no idea what anything is called.

I also don't want to make a potion wrong again because last time it exploded in my face.

I retracted my hand away from the slime. I put my head down on the desk. I hate potions.

Finally the bell rang. I gathered up my things and started to walk to the door.

"Miss L/N." Panic surged through me. I took a deep breath and turned around. Professor Slughorn was standing at the podium at the front of the room. I walked over to him.

"Sir?" I asked. He smiled at me.

"How are you doing today?"

"Alright I guess. You?"

"I am doing quite well. Now, I see that you have been struggling during class. Your test scores reflect that as well. So, I have taken it upon myself to find you a tutor."

"Oh alright. Who?"

"I haven't found one yet but I have someone in mind. I am sure he would love to. So just go to the library every night after dinner. That's when you will be meeting him. Except weekends of course." He smiled.

"Ok. Thanks."

"Of course. That's all I wanted."

"Alright. See you later." I said.

"Good bye." I turned and left the room.

I plopped down in between Remus and James at dinner. The guys were all together for once. Lilly wanted to sit with her friends so she wasn't sitting with us.

"Hey Y/N." Said Remus.

"Hi."

"We are going to go for a walk after dinner. You should come." Said Peter.

"I totally would but umm. I can't."

"Why not?" Asked James.

"It's embarrassing." I said.

"It can't possibly be that bad." Said Remus. I sighed.

"I have to meet my tutor for potions."

"That's nothing to be embarrassed about." Said Remus.

"Sure it's not." I said sarcastically.

"It really isn't." Interjected Sirius.

"So how often are you going to be seeing this tutor?"

"Every day after dinner. Except weekends."

"That's a lot. Do you know who it is?"

"No but I know it's a boy." I said. They all exchanged glances.

"Maybe it's your prince charming." Said James with a wink. I rolled my eyes.

"I doubt. I am probably going to make whoever is tutoring me want to pull their hair out. I am so dumb." Remus put his hand on my shoulder.

"You are not. Everyone struggles with something."

"I guess."

The guys tried to make me feel better for the rest of dinner. It did help to be honest. The bell to signal dinner was over rang.

"Do you want us to walk with you to the library?" Asked James. I smiled at him.

"Nah. I got it."

"Alright." He said. We all stood up. Remus wrapped his arms around me.

"You will be fine." He whispered in my ear. When he pulled away he smiled at me. I nodded. Peter came over and gave me a side hug.

"Good luck!" I laughed.

"Are you all giving me hugs now?"

"Do you want hugs?" Asked Sirius. I shrugged.

"I don't mind them." He laughed and gave me one as well. James turned to me.

"If Lilly asks, make sure to tell her we are just friends." We all laughed. I hugged him.

"Alright," I lowered my voice to a whisper. "I am really happy for you." We pulled apart and James was smiling. "Well, I better get going now."

"Bye!" They all said together. I walked out the great hall and to the library. I feel so happy. I missed them so much. My chest swelled with happiness.

I opened the library door and stepped in. None was here. Maybe Slughorn couldn't find me a tutor. I walked around the library looking for anyone. I spotted a seventh year Ravenclaw sitting on a couch reading a book. He must be my tutor. I walked over to him and stuck out my hand.

"Hi. My name is Y/N." He looked up at me from his glasses.

"I am not interested."

"Interested? What are you talking about?"

"I don't want to go on a date with you. Now leave me alone."

"I never said I wanted to date you!" I exclaimed. "Aren't you my tutor?" He rolled his eyes.

"No I am not. Now leave me the fuck alone." I scoffed and walked away.

I walked to a back corner of the library. Severus was sitting at a table facing me. Slughorn said that they would want to tutor me so it's definitely not Severus. Severus hates me. I was about to turn around and walk away when he stood up.

"Y/N." Oh no. no no no no. It cannot be Severus. I walked toward him hesitantly. I stopped across the table from him.

"Severus?"

"Hey. Uh I am your tutor." He said.

"What?"

"I said, I am your tutor."

"I know. I heard you. But, why?" He rolled his eyes.

"Because Slughorn told me to."

"Are you good at potions?" He smirked at me.

"You would be surprised."

"I already am." He gestured to the chair in front of me.

"Have a seat." He waited for me to sit down before he did. "So what are you working on in class?"

"Ummm." I shrugged.

"You don't know?"

"No." He rolled his eyes.

"Its because you spend too much time with those dumb guys."

"Stop. If you are just going to talk crap about my best friends, I am leaving."

"Fine. Did you bring your textbook?" Crap. I thought I forgot something.

"No." I said nervously. He bent down to rummage through a bag. He plopped a book on the table.

"Good thing I grabbed this." It was a fifth year textbook.

"Yeah."

We got to work. He wrote up random questions that I was to do tonight and bring back to him tomorrow while I studied. He was actually quite good at explaining things. He got frustrated a few times but that was expected.

When I got back to the common room, the guys were sitting in front of the fire. They smiled when they saw me.

"Y/N!" Exclaimed Peter.

"Hey guys." I set the homework from Severus on a table nearby and sat down on the end of the couch next to Remus.

"How was it?" Asked Remus. I smiled.

"It was pretty good."

"Who was it?" Asked Peter.

"Just someone."

"Who? Do you like him?" Peter asked eagerly. I laughed.

"No way!"

"Who was it?" Asked Sirius.

"It was just Severus." They all exchanged looks.

"You should ask Slughorn for a different one." Said James.

"Why? He was quite good at helping me."

"Because he hates muggleborns Y/N. He is a bully. He probably told Slughorn that he wanted to help you because he wants to get closer to us. He's a creep."

"He is not a creep. And besides, Slughorn asked him. Not the other way around. Slughorn even told me he was going to ask someone."

"Doesn't change the fact that he hates muggleborns. He is probably going to teach you the wrong stuff so that you have to keep spending time with him." Argued James.

"What's a side effect of the Pepperup potion?" I asked them all. None said anything. "The side effect is steam coming out of the drinkers ears for hours after it was taken." Still, none said anything. "I am going to bed." I stood up but James spoke.

"You need to ask Slughorn for someone else. Maybe one of us could help you."

"Whatever." I quickly walked away.

I layed in bed. I could hear the deep breathing of the girls around me.

I wish the guys would get over their hatred for Severus. He hasn't really done anything. And if he did do something it was usually provoked by them.

I am not going to ask Slughorn for a different tutor. I am going to wait and see what happens. I don't care what the guys say. They can be such bullies at times.


	4. 4

I haven't talked to the guys in a week. It really pains me not to but, they were jerks. Remus tried to talk to me but I walked away from him. I don't really talk to anyone except Severus during our tutoring sessions. I feel really lonely.

James ran up to me in the hallway. He placed a hand on my upper arm to stop me from walking.

"Listen Y/N, I am really sorry I upset you last night. I really didn't mean to."

"You need to get over your hatred for him."

"He hates muggle borns Y/N! He called Lily a mudblood! Why are you defending him?"

"I am not defending anything he has done. I am just saying if he does anything it's because you guys initiate it."

"You are never there."

"Yes I am James. I love you and the guys but you guys need to get your shit together."

"Y/N,"

"No. I am not talking to any of you until you stop." James took a deep breath.

"Fine. But if he does something first we won't tolerate it."

"Promise?"

"Yeah."

"Good." James smiled at me and pulled me into a hug.

He pulled away.

"So where are you heading?" He asked.

"The common room. I need to pick up my potions textbook."

"So am I." We started walking to Gryffindor tower. "So, what do you think of Remus?" I looked at him funny.

"Why are you asking that?" James shrugged.

"Just curious."

"Well, he's a really good friend. And he's nice and smart."

"That's it?"

"Why? Am I supposed to say something else?"

"I guess not."

The fat lady painting swung open and James and I stepped in. The rest of the guys were sitting in the common room. They all stood up when they saw James and I. Sirius came over.

"Y/N."

"Hey." I gave him a small smile. He crushed me into a hug.

"I was so worried you would never talk to us again." He said. I patted his back and he pulled away.

"I missed you too Sirius." He smiled big. Peter and Remus came over.

"We were really worried about you." Said Peter. "We didn't mean to upset you but Snivellus is a jerk and," James shot Peter a look and he shut up. Remus gave me a smile and I returned it.

All of a sudden I remembered my lesson with Severus. I looked at the clock. I was supposed to be there ten minutes ago!

"I am really sorry guys but I gotta go." I ran past them over to the table where I left my potions textbook. I ran over to the painting. "Bye guys!"

"Bye!" They all said in unison.

I ran as fast as I could to the library. I was now fifteen minutes late.

I walked over to our usual table. Severus was sitting there. He looked up when he saw me. I plopped down, out of breath, across from him.

"You're late."

"I know. I am sorry. The guys held me up." Severus rolled his eyes.

"Those guys are bad news."

"Stop." Severus sighed.

"Did you read page 46 through 62?"

"Yeah but I was confused."

"Confused about what?"

"Ummm all of it?"

"Alright. Get your book open."

Severus explained everything really well. He is surprisingly good at teaching. He had me write out the instructions to a potion. While I was writing he spoke:

"So how's your year going?" This was really unusual because normally he just talks about potions.

"Could be better." I said.

"I get that. This year kinda sucks so far." I nodded.

"Yeah." I looked back down and started writing again.

"I didn't mean this." He motions between us.

"What do you mean?" He cleared his throat.

"I just mean that me helping you doesn't suck. I thought you thought I was talking about me helping you sucking." He said quietly.

"I didn't think that."

"Good."

"Well, it's getting late." I said. Severus looked over at the clock on the wall.

"Yeah it is. So just write about the effects of the potion and what it's used for."

"Alright." I gathered up my stuff and got up. I started walking away. I heard footsteps behind me. Someone grabbed my wrist. I winced.

I ended up giving into urges last night so my arm is still sore.

I turned around. Severus was standing there. Holding onto my wrist. He furrowed his brows.

"Are you ok?" He must see from my facial expression that I am in pain. I gently pulled my arm from his grasp and held my wrist with my other hand.

"Yeah. What did you want?" He frowned for a moment then it softened.

"I just wanted to say that, I know I usually act like I hate helping you but, but I really don't. It's kinda fun. Your fun to hang out with." He gave me a small smile. A fucking smile. I have never in my life seen Severus smile.

"Oh. Yeah. I mean, I agree." I smiled back and his smile grew.

"Well, Um you should get going."

"Yeah. Thanks for helping me." I felt myself redden. He bit back a smile.

"No problem. See you tomorrow." I bowed my head and left the library.

The whole walk back to Gryffindor Tower all I could think about was him. Why did he say that stuff? Did he really mean it? Or was James right? Was he just trying to get close to the guys? All these thoughts are buzzing around my head.

Why do I feel like this? My face feels hot and I have butterflies in my stomach. Is this what having a crush feels like?

I quickly shook the thought from my head. There is no fucking way that I will like anyone. I am perfectly fine being alone for the rest of my life. I am perfectly fine with only being in love with book characters.

When I got into the common room I noticed Remus was sitting in front of the fire writing in a notebook.

"Remus?" He jumped and snapped his head over to me. He let out a sigh of relief.

"Hey Y/N." I walked over to him.

"Mind if I sit?"

"Uh sure." He moved the papers next to him to the floor, to make room for me. I sat down.

"Were you expecting someone else?" He sighed.

"No. It's just that the full moon is next week."

"Ah. I see."

"Yeah." We stared into the fire for a few minutes.

Was Severus really only using me to get to the guys? I don't think he would do that. Right? Severus might seem cold but I have been spending almost every day with him for the past week and he's actually really nice to me. I don't think he would do something like that. Ugh. I need to get him out of my head! His smile today, I have never seen him smile before. It must be a real one. It looked so genuine. He couldn't have possibly faked that. His smile was so cute though. He-

Someone wrapped their hand around mine and intertwined our fingers. I slowly looked over at Remus. It was his hand. He looked at me and smiled. This cannot be happening. Is this why James asked me earlier what I thought of Remus? Fucking James. It would have been nice to get a warning!

I was frozen in place. I didn't want to pull my hand away and hurt his feelings. A voice at the back of my head kept saying, 'maybe I could like him. It would be better than Severus. At Least the guys would approve.' Curse that wretched voice. I DON'T like Severus! I think. I don't know. Maybe I do. I hope not. It would end badly.

"Y/N." Remus's voice brought me back to reality. I looked over at him.

"Yeah?"

"I really like you." He whispered even though none was in the room.

"Oh. Really?" I asked slowly. I have no fucking idea how to respond to this. I have never had a guy tell me he likes me. In reality, no guy has probably ever liked me.

"Yeah," He said. "I just can't get you out of my mind. I think about you all the time." I opened my mouth to say something but no words came. I have no idea how to respond. Finally I came up with something.

"Thanks for telling me." Remus smiled.

"Do you feel the same?" My eyes widened slightly.

"Oh. Ummm. I don't know Remus. I never really thought about it before." He laughed.

"All you think about is your book characters." He said. I forced out a laugh.

"Yeah. I have never really thought about umm being with a real person." That's not exactly true. I used to think about it all the time. But then I realized that people wouldn't like me like that. So I gave up and only thought about book characters like that. I accepted the fact that I was going to be alone forever so I didn't waste any time on romantic relationships.

I knew people wouldn't want to deal with everything I came with. Such as my urges and thoughts about death. They have been getting worse lately.

But, Remus is a werewolf. He has his own stuff he comes with. Maybe he would be ok with mine. Maybe I could like him. I really think I could.

"So you don't like me?" Asked Remus.

"I never said that. Just, could you give me time to think about it?" Remus smiled.

"Of course." He said. I nodded.

"Well, I should be getting to bed." I said.

"Yes. It is quite late." I stood up. So did Remus. He kept a hold on my hand as he leaned in and kissed me on the cheek. "Good night Y/N." He let go of my hand and walked to his dormitory that he shares with Peter, Sirius, and James.

The next morning I ran down to the common room. It's Sunday morning and usually everyone sleeps in. Except the guys and I.

They were all sitting on the couch looking at a paper James was holding. Except for Remus. He must still be asleep. Perfect. I was counting on him still being asleep. Him and I were up really late so I hoped he would still be asleep.

I walked over to them and stopped right in front of James. They all looked up.

"Good morning Y/N!" Said Sirius cheerfully. When he saw my facial expression his face faltered. The guys exchanged glances and went back to reading the paper. I got even more angry and snatched the paper out of James' hand.

"Hey! That was from Lily!" He exclaimed.

"Then you shouldn't have been sharing it with others!"

"That's why you're mad?" Asked James.

"I am not mad. I am pissed. And that's not why."

"Then why are you mad?" James asked.

"Because you didn't give me a heads up about Remus!" I exasperated.

"How did you not know that he likes you?" Asked Sirius. I turned on him.

"You knew too?! Why didn't you tell me!?"

"Because we thought you would have figured it out by now."

"Why would you think that?!?!"

"Because Peter could even tell." Said Sirius calmly.

"Incase you all have forgotten, I have never been in a relationship and none has ever told me they liked me!" Sirius stood up and put his hand on my lower back.

"Come. Lets go talk somewhere more private."

He led me out of the common room and to a secluded corner. "Ok. What happened last night?" I took a deep breath.

'Remus held my hand, told me he likes me and that he thinks of me all the time. Then he kissed my cheek."

"That's what your worked up about?"

"Yes!"

"Well, do you like him?"

"No? I don't know. I think I could."

"Then why are you so upset?"

"Because everything is so confusing."

"What do you mean?"

I thought of Severus and how he smiled at me. I thought of how he is always so patient with me and how kind he is. I thought of what he told me last night, "I just wanted to say that, I know I usually act like I hate helping you but, but I really don't. It's kinda fun. Your fun to hang out with." What the hell does this mean? Why do I feel like this. Uggg I hate myself.

"I can't get into it." I said to Sirius.

"Why not? Why are you confused?"

"Because I just," I sighed "I just, I am sorry. I can't tell you."

"Why can't you tell me?"

"Because I don't even know how I feel! I am so stressed." Sirius moved closer to me and crushed me in a hug.

"It's going to be ok." He pet my hair.

We stood like that for a while until I calmed down. When we pulled away I offered him a small smile.

"Thanks Sirius." He returned the smile.

"Of course. I am always here for you when you need me. I promise." He said. I love Sirius so much. I am closer to him than any of the others. Sirius is like the older brother I never had. I am so grateful to have him.

"If we go back, are you going to bite James's head off again?" He laughed at what he said. I cracked a smile.

"I should probably apologize shouldn't I?" Sirius clasped a hand on my shoulder.

"Yeah you should."

I linked my arm through his and we walked back to the common room.


	5. 5

"Have you ever seen Severus smile?" I asked Sirius from across the table. We are currently sitting at a table in the common room studying. Sirius looked up and furrowed his brows.

"No. Although, we don't really give him any reason to smile. Why do you ask?"

"I was just curious."

"To be honest, I don't think anyone has." I have, I wanted to tell him. "I don't even think he is physically able to." Sirius laughed. I forced one out.

"Yeah. Probably not."

After herbology I walked into my dormitory and immediately was swarmed.

"Y/N! We have news!" Olivia, Ella, and Aria said together. They sounded worried.

"What?" I asked.

"You know how Ella's older sister is a sixth year in Slytherin right?" Asked Olivia.

"Yeah. what about it?"

"Well she was sitting next to Severus in potions and she caught that greasy git writing your name in his notebook. Over and over." Said Olivia.

"He's such a perv!" Said Ella.

"Guys, I highly doubt that."

"It's true!" Said Ella.

"Mh sure it is. I gotta go meet uhh James for umm."

"Are you and James dating?"

"Yeah everyone's wondering that." Said Aria.

"Because if you are, that's not good because he's dating Lilly." Said Olivia.

"No I am not dating James! I gotta go." I turned and slammed the door in their faces.

I headed off to the Astronomy Tower. I have been going there since I was in my second year. It's kind of become a safe space for me. And right now, I need to calm down.

My roommates are nice and everything but sometimes they can be too much. I am anxious and angry because of them swarming me and gossiping about stuff that isn't true. Severus writing my name in a notebook can't be true. Right?

My legs used to burn as I climbed these stairs. Not anymore though. I am used to coming up here at least twice a week.

I looked out the little windows lining the stairs. The sun set was really pretty. It's going to be even prettier from the top. Sun set and nighttime are my favorite times to come up here.

I walked over to the railing and rested my elbows on it. The sun set is such a beautiful shade of red, orange, yellow, and purple.

"Y/N?" I jumped and whirled around.

"Severus? What are you doing here?"

"I could ask you the same thing." He walked over to me.

"This is my special place." I admitted. Severus cracked a small smile.

"Funny." I frowned.

"How is that funny?"

"Because this is my special place too." He said. I smiled at him.

"Looks like one of us is going to have to find somewhere else." I said.

"Guess so."

"How long have you been coming here?" Severus thought for a moment.

"Three years."

"HA! I have been coming here for four!" Severus put his hands up in defeat, smiling.

"Alright this place is yours from now on." He said.

"Good." I said, satisfied.

"Well, see ya tomorrow after dinner." He turned and started to walk away.

"Wait!" He stopped and slowly turned around. He looked confused. "This is my special place so I get to decide who gets to be here. Ummmm you can stay if you want. Honestly you can come here whenever you want. I just want it to be known as my special place."

"You do realize that's pathetic right?" He asked as he walked back over to me. I felt myself redden.

"I guess." Severus walked past me to the railing. I turned around and leaned on the railing with my elbows. He rested his back against it. "So, how come you come here?" I asked him.

"To get away."

"Away from what?" I questioned. He looked away from me.

"Everything. Why do you come here?"

"Mostly the same reason you do." Severus nodded.

"It's a valid response." He said. I smiled.

We stood there in silence for a while when something came to my mind.

"Severus?" He looked over at me. "I am really sorry about the guys. I," I sighed. "I honestly hate the way they treat you and I am sorry. I used to hate you to be honest. The guys always made you out to be such a bad person and they would say mean stuff. I just," I cut myself off and pressed the palms of my hands to my eyes. Severus gently grabbed my elbow and pulled it away from my face. He is now standing directly in front of me. He looked serious. almost mad?

"You don't need to apologize for those buffoons." He spat.

"I am sorry. I didn't mean to make you mad." I said quickly.

"I am not mad at you, I am mad at those buffoons you hang out with!" He yelled.

"Why are you so mad?"

"Because they made you hate me!" He suddenly realized what he said and quickly looked away embarrassed.

I suddenly remembered what Olivia said about Ella's sister. Could Severus like me? Is that why he supposedly wrote my name in his notebook? Or why he's mad about the guys making me hate him? I need to know.

"Severus?" He slowly turned his head to look at me.

"Yeah?"

"Why did that make you mad?"

"Because I have this weird feeling about you and I care what you think of me." He said quietly.

"Oh. Well, I can promise that I don't hate you anymore." I said. I wasn't sure if that was the right thing to say but he cracked a small smile. So, I am assuming it was.

"That's good to hear." He said relieved. I gave him a small smile.

"Did you ever hate me?" I asked him. He let out a small laugh. It was really cute.

"Yeah. I did."

"How long ago did you stop hating me?" He looked at me out of the corner of his eye.

"A few days ago." He said. My eyebrows rose.

"What made you change your mind?"

"I gave up."

"Gave up what?" I asked. Severus sighed.

"I gave up denying my feelings for you. I kept telling myself that I kept thinking about you because I hated you. But because I have to be near you almost everyday, it's hard to deny it." He looked away from me. "I have no idea why I just said that." He said. I placed my hand on his shoulder.

"Don't worry I wont tell anyone about it." He looked down at me and I gave him a warm smile.

"You're ok with me feeling that way?"

"Well, yeah. Even if I wasn't, there is no way I could change the way you feel, now is there?"

"I guess not. But, do you feel similar?" He asked. He looked hopeful. My eyes widened slightly. This is like the same conversation that I had with Remus except that I feel more comfortable with Severus.

"Oh umm well, I think I might. Some of the stuff that you said sounds similar to the way I feel." I felt myself blush. Severus smiled. He stepped closer to me and gently grabbed my hand. He intertwined our fingers. He was smiling at me the whole time. I smiled back.

This is a horrible idea and it's most likely going to hurt someone. If the guys found out, they would be so pissed. I have no idea if they would ever talk to me again. And if any of the Slytherin's or Gryffindor's found out, Severus and I would be targeted by the opposite house and possibly our own. This is so dangerous. Why am I letting myself like him?

All I know for sure is, this is not going to end well.


	6. 6

"Y/N?" Asked Sirius. I dragged my eyes away from the window to look at him. Sirius and I are sitting at a table in the common room doing homework before dinner.

"Yeah?"

"Isn't it so great that James and Lily are finally together?" He asked. I sighed.

"Yeah it's great." I said in a monotone voice.

I really don't want to think about people being in a happy relationship right now. Don't get me wrong, I am so happy for James and Lily but, I am jealous. I am jealous that people are ok and even like that they are in a relationship.

If I got into a relationship with Severus, people would hate it. The guys and all of Gryffindor house would target him and all of Slytherin would target me. We would both get bullied even more than we already are.

I keep cursing myself for looking forward to seeing him during our lesson tonight. It feels as if what happened last night didn't happen. But the way I feel when I think about him tells me otherwise.

"What's got you so upset?" Sirius asked.

"It's just, ugh nevermind."

"Tell me."

I looked at him then quickly looked down at the table. "I can't."

"Why not?"

"Because I can't!" I yelled. Sirius looked hurt. I took a deep breath. "I am sorry I yelled," I said quietly. "I am just so stressed. I know it's just an excuse but it's why."

Sirius gave me a small smile. "It's ok. Don't worry about it."

"Thanks."

"We should go down to dinner I reckon." He said. I nodded.

I sat down next to Remus at dinner. James, Peter and Sirius were sitting across from Remus and I. I looked past Peter and saw Severus sitting at the Slytherin table. He was staring back at me. I felt butterflies in my stomach. I bit my lip to keep from smiling.

"Lily told me that her and her friends heard about a possible winter dance this year." Said James.

"Really?!" Asked Sirius.

"Yup. She said McGonagall dropped some hints about it."

"That's cool." Said Peter.

"I am assuming you would ask Lily?" Sirius asked James. James grinned.

"Yeah. Who would you ask Sirius?" James asked. Sirius smiled at me.

"Well it depends on if someone asks Y/N or not." We all laughed.

"If we do indeed have a dance," Started Remus. "I think someone will ask her." He leaned forward and briefly kissed me on the cheek. My eyes widened and I started panicking. The guys were watching my every move to see how I would react.

Something caught my attention from the corner of my eye. Severus stood up and was storming out of the Great Hall.

"Sorry guys but I gotta go," I said as I quickly stood up and ran out the room.

Severus was storming off down the hallway. I ran after him.

"Severus!" I called. He just kept going.

Once I caught up with him, I grabbed his sleeve. He stopped walking and spun around. He looked furious.

"What?" I jumped at the harshness of his voice and quickly let go of his sleeve.

"It's not what you think." I said out of breath.

"Oh really? You getting together with him the day after I told you how I feel is not what happened?"

"It's not!"

"Then what happened?" He asked angrily.

"Remus told me a few days before yesterday that he liked me. I didn't say whether I like him back or not so he just assumed I liked him. But I don't. Severus, I like you." I said it. I have never even let myself say it in my head. But here I am confessing my feelings to him.

His face softened. "You do?" He asked quietly.

I nodded. "Yes."

He smiled and I smiled back. Severus stepped closer to me and gently grabbed my hand. He ran his thumb over the back of my hand. "I am glad." He said. He glanced up at a clock on the wall then back to me. "Hey ummm do you wanna just skip the lesson and go hang out?"

I laughed. "Sounds good to me."

Severus interlaced our fingers and we walked to the Astronomy Tower.

We stood leaning on the railing, looking out at the dark castle grounds. I looked over to Severus. He had his head propped up on his hand and was staring at me with a smile on his face.

"What?" I asked.

"You're just so pretty." He said.

I turned around. "Sure I am." I said sarcastically. He moved away from the railing and stood directly in front of me.

"You are." He said. I gave him a small, sad smile. "What's wrong?" He asked worriedly. I shook my head. He grabbed my hands and searched my eyes. "Y/N please tell me."

I took a silent deep breath. "I get bullied a lot and get called names. Names that are far from 'pretty.' I guess it's just hard to hear you say that because I know it's a lie." Severus squeezed my hands.

"Y/N you are the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. I can promise you that."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes! Absolutely." He said. I wrapped my arms around his waist and he instantly wrapped his around me.

"Thank you." I said. He just held me tighter.

"You're adopted?" Asked Severus surprised. I laughed.

"Yeah."

"What's it like?" He asked.

"I mean, I have parents. They are really kind and loving. Although, they don't love me being here but they got over it. They miss me a lot I think."

"Must be nice." I looked over at him. We are both sitting on the ground of the balcony. We have been sitting here for a few hours just talking about random stuff. Severus is actually very fun to talk to.

"What do you mean?" I asked. He sighed.

"My parents don't really care about me. My father would abuse my mother and I when I was younger. It only stopped recently when I threatened to jinx him." He said quietly. He wouldn't meet my eye. I rested my hand on top of his. "It is what it is," He said. He turned his head to look at me. "You got any secrets?"

I could only think about one. But, do I really want to share it with him? Will he become scared of me? No one knows about it. I feel like I can trust him though. He just shared a big one with me. I feel like I should do the same.

"I, I do but," I sighed. "I don't know." I said. Severus squeezed my hand.

"If you don't want to tell me that's ok."

"I do want to tell you but, I don't know how." I said. Severus stayed silent. "You have to promise not to tell anyone."

He nodded. "Of course."

I took a deep breath. "I umm, well, I hurt myself." I said quietly. I felt my fingers trembling and I hoped he wouldn't notice.

"Hurt yourself?" He asked.

I nodded. "Yeah." I felt tears filling my eyes.

"Y/N." He said. I turned my head to look at him. He looked a bit worried. Not disgusted or mad. I felt a bit relieved. "Thank you for telling me. If you ever need someone to talk to, I am always here."

I blinked and a tear leaked from my eye. Severus wiped it away with his thumb.

He stood up and offered me a hand. I took it. He pulled me to him and hugged me tightly. I took in the sent of him. He smelled like earth and mint.

"Thank you." I said into his chest. He was so warm. He pulled back and gave me a small smile.

I walked back to my dormitory. I can't believe that I told Severus about that. He just makes me feel so, so safe. He makes me feel safe the same way that being with the guys makes me feel but, it's more than that. Why do I feel so deeply for Severus?

I entered the common room. Sirius was sitting on a chair near the entrance. He had his head in his hands and was bouncing his leg up and down.

"Sirius?" I asked. He jumped up and rushed over to me. He crushed me in a hug.

"Thank god you are ok." He said into my hair. I pushed him off.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"You suddenly ran off at dinner after Remus did ya know, 'that' and I was worried about you."

"So you waited up until three am for me?"

"Well, yeah." He said.

I laughed and patted his cheek. "You are so cute."

He rolled his eyes. "Whatever. Where have you been!" He demanded.

"I umm, I had a lesson with Severus."

He raised his eyebrows. "The lesson took until three am?"

"I mean, I went to the owlery and pet the owls for a little bit?" It was supposed to be a statement but ended up a question.

"Sure you did. Tell me the truth Y/N."

"Fine. I have been seeing someone." I said.

"Who!" Exclaimed Sirius.

"I can't say who."

"Why not?"

"Because I can't."

"Ok. So, because of how you reacted to Remus kissing you I am gonna go out on a limb here and say it's not him?"

"No he's not." I said.

"Shit Y/N. You need to tell him."

"No. No one can know about me seeing someone. I will tell Remus I am not interested but you have to promise to not tell anyone that I am seeing someone."

Sirius sighed. "Fine."

I hugged him. "Thank you! I love you so muchhhhh."

Sirius laughed. "I love you too. Now can you go to bed so I can go to bed?"

I pulled away from him and smiled. "Yes. But it's not my fault that you chose to stay up."

He rolled his eyes. "Whatever. Good night Y/N."

"Night Sirius."

We both went up to our dormitories.


	7. 7

TRIGGER WARNING: bullying and violence

"Hold her down." Commanded Lindsay. Her friends grabbed my wrists and ankles to keep me from moving.

Lindsay and her friends snuck up on me in the bathroom. They took my wand from my pocket so I couldn't use it and pushed me to the floor. I am now currently lying on the bathroom floor being held down.

"This is what happens to filthy mudbloods like you." Snarled Lindsay. She pushed up the sleeve to my right arm. "What's all this Y/N? Do you cut yourself like a looser?" She and her friends laughed.

"She's so pathetic!" Squealed one of them.

I have no cuts on that arm currently. But there are scars.

I felt tears prick my eyes but I would not let them show. I felt my fingers shaking and my stomach felt like it was going to burst. I tried to move but I was frozen in terror. Are they going to kill me?

Lindsay pulled out her wand and pointed it to my arm. I felt a searing pain. I squinted my eyes shut and clenched my teeth, waiting for the pain to stop.

When Lindsay and her friends stood up and left the bathroom my arm didn't stop hurting. I looked over at it. The word 'mudblood' was carved into it. A pool of blood sat where my arm was laying. Only then did I let the tears fall.

I slowly sat up and pushed my sleeve over my arm.

I got to my feet and left the bathroom.

I don't know where I am going. All I know is I need out. Out of this castle.

I found myself walking the grounds of Hogwarts right beside the forest. Most students wouldn't dare to get this close to the forest but right now I feel nothing. Just numb. My tears stopped as soon as I got outside.

It's cold out here but I am not shivering. I know it's cold but it's like I can't feel it.

It's so dark out here. I can barely make out the trees scattered around the castle grounds. The only light is from the stars and the castle windows. I just keep walking. I stare at the ground as I walk.

I hear grass rustle in front of me but I keep going.

All of a sudden I slam face first into something. I jump back and hold my hands up to my face.

"Please don't hurt me." I choke out.

"Y/N?"

"Severus?" I whisper. I can vaguely make out his silhouette.

"Yes it's me. What are you doing out here?" He asked worriedly.

"I-I," I began sobbing. Severus closed the space between us and wrapped me in his arms.

"What happened?" He asked gently.

"Li-Lindsay."

Severus pulled back but kept his hands on my upper arms. "What did that bitch do?"

"My... my arm." I stuttered.

Severus pulled out his wand. "Lumos." I could see his face now. He looked so worried and angry at the same time.

I slowly lifted my sleeve and held it out to him. He looked shocked and upset. He looked back up at me. "I am sorry." He breathed. "I.. I should have done something! I should have protected you!" He exclaimed. I knew he wasn't mad at me. But, at himself.

I shoved my sleeve back down and grabbed his hands. "There was nothing you could have done." I whispered.

"I could have done something! I should have been there." He choked on the last word.

I wrapped my arms around his waist and he instantly buried his face on my shoulder. "I am sorry." He said.

When we pulled away he cupped my face with his hands. "Do we need to go to Madam Pomfrey?" He asked.

I nodded. I don't want it to scar. And I have no idea if Lindsay and her friends rubbed anything onto it to make it get infected later.

Severus grabbed my hand and led me back to the castle.

"Why were you out there?" I asked Severus as we walked to the medical wing.

"I had detention."

"What did you do that was so bad that you had to go into the forest?" I asked.

"I put a jinx on someone." He said simply.

I looked over at him. "Why?"

"Because he was a jerk."

"Ok?" I looked at a clock on the wall as we passed. It's two am.

We were silent the rest of the way to the medical wing.

When we entered, Severus let go of my hand. No one else was in the room. It was dark in here except for a few candles.

"Madam Pomfrey!" Yelled Severus.

A door opened and Madam Pomfrey came out. Her hair was messy, as if she just climbed out of bed. I feel bad that we woke her.

"What happened?" She asked worriedly as she rushed over to us.

"Some girls bullied her and did this," He grabbed my arm and pushed up the sleeve. "To her." Said Severus.

Madam Pomfrey's eyes got big. "Oh dear. Come sit over here." She motioned to a bed. I sat down and Severus stood beside me protectively. "I need to go get some supplies. I will be right back." Said Madam Pomfrey. She crossed the room and disappeared into another.

Severus wrapped his fingers around mine and rubbed the back of my hand with his thumb. "It's gonna be ok." He said gently.

"Thank you. For being here for me." I said. He squeezed my hand and gave me a small smile.

Madam Pomfrey came back into the room and cleaned my arm up. She put a bandage on it and gave a potion to drink. She told me it's for pain. It tasted rancid. But, my arm didn't hurt as much anymore.

"That's the best I can do for it. Hopefully it won't scar. If it does, I do have some stuff for that. So if it does indeed scar come back and I will try my best." She said.

"Thanks." I said quietly.

"You need to report this to Dumbledore in the morning." Said Madam Pomfrey. I nodded. "Well then, you are free to go."

"Thank you." I stood up. Severus and I left the medical wing.

Once we were in the hallway Severus grabbed my hand again.

"You should get back to your dormitory." I told him.

He shook his head. "Not until you are back in yours. I will walk you there."

"Ok." I whispered.

We stopped beside the fat lady painting. I turned to him.

"Thank you so much Severus. I am so grateful that you were there"

He looked down. "I wasn't able to stop it." He said quietly.

I cupped his cheek with my hand. He met my eyes. "It doesn't matter. You were there to help me after at least. I don't know what would have happened if you weren't there."

"I guess."

"So, thank you." I gave him a smile. He returned a small one. I pulled him into a hug. I breathed in the scent of him. He makes me feel so comfortable and safe. He pulled back slightly. I looked up at him. He was staring at me. He cupped my cheek with one hand. The other was still wrapped around my waist. His eyes flicked back and forth between my lips and my eyes. He leaned forward slowly. His lips met mine. I feel like I am on fire where we are touching. I press my lips harder on his. He responded by moving his lips against mine. I did the same.

It feels so good. It feels good to be touching him.

He slowly pulled away. I smiled at him and he smiled back. I felt my face get warm.

I untangled myself from him. "Good night Sev."

He raised an eyebrow. "Sev?"

I laughed. "Yeah."

"I like it." He said finally.

"Good. Night Sev."

"Good night Y/N."


	8. 8

"You guys are probably wondering why I called this.. This meeting if you will." I said.

"Duh. Why the fuck are you doing this at one am?" Asked Sirius. The guys all looked up at me from where they sat on the couch. I stood in front of them.

"I am doing it now because I don't want others to hear." I said. I felt my fingers trembling. I can't believe I am about to do this. What if they don't want to be my friends anymore? What if they hate me?

"Can you hurry? I am tired." Whined Sirius.

"Fine." I said through gritted teeth. "You all have to promise not to tell anyone. Ok?"

"I promise." Said Remus.

Sirius sighed. "I promise."

"I promise Y/N." Said Peter.

"I promise." Said James.

I took a deep breath. "Ok so, you guys know Lindsay right?"

"The Slytherin?" Asked James.

I nodded. "Yes. Well umm basically she and her friends have been umm bullying me."

Sirius shot up. "What has she been doing?" Yelled Sirius.

"Sit down and shut up." I said. He hesitated but sat back down. "Ok well, last night her and her friends jumped me in the bathroom and did this," I raised my sleeve and showed them what Lindsay carved into my arm. 'Mudblood' it said. I took the bandages off a few minutes ago so I could show them.

Their eyes grew big.

Sirius stood back up and walked over to me. He pulled me into a hug. The others followed him over. Remus gave me a sad smile.

Sirius pulled back. He brushed some hair behind my ear. "Are you ok?" He asked gently.

I nodded. "Yeah. But that's not all I wanted to tell you guys." I took a step away from Sirius.

"What is it Y/N?" Asked Peter.

This was it. This is the scary part. I could back out now if I wanted but, they deserve to know. They are my best friends after all.

"I umm, I do this thing."

"What thing?" Asked Sirius.

"Cut. I mean, I.. I cut myself." I said quietly. I was shaking. I am so scared. What if they don't want to be my friends anymore? I need them.

James stepped forward. "Thank you for telling us Y/N." He said gently. He pulled me into a hug. The others came forward and we all did a group hug.

Once we broke apart Remus spoke, "If you ever need anything Y/N, we are all here for you. No matter what."

The others nodded in agreement. I smiled.

"Thank you so much guys." I felt so happy and relieved.

"Of course," Said James. "Even if I am in the middle of a date with Lily, if you need me come get me."

I laughed. "Thanks James. Well, you guys should get to bed."

"Night Y/N." Said Peter, Remus, And James. They turned to leave.

"Are you not going Sirius?" I asked him.

He shook his head. "Not yet." He turned and sat down on the couch. He patted the spot next to him. I walked over and sat next to him.

He threw one of his arms around my shoulder and I rested my head on his shoulder.

We sat there in silence for a long time. Just staring at the fire. It was nice to sit like this with Sirius. He is my closest friend. He is like home to me. So comforting. I love him so much.

"Y/N?" He asked.

"Yeah?"

"Are you sure you're ok?"

I lifted my head to look at him. He turned his head. "Yeah. There is something I didn't tell the others."

Sirius instantly looked worried. "What?"

"There was someone that helped me after Lindsay did that."

"Who?"

"The person I am seeing."

"Ok. Who is it?"

"I can't say. But, that's the only reason I am ok right now. If he wasn't there I have no idea what would have happened."

"That's great Y/N. But, why can't you tell me who it is?"

"Because I am not ready to tell anyone. I am sorry."

"Is he your boyfriend yet?" Sirius asked.

"No. Not yet. But we," I paused and blushed.

"You what?"

"We kissed."

Sirius's eyes got big and he smiled. "Yay!!! I am so happy for you!"

"Thanks."

"But I expect you to tell me who it is soon."

"I will." I lied. I really want to tell Sirius about it but I know I can't.

"Good." Sirius stood up and extended me a hand. I took it and stood up. He pulled me into a hug. "Thank you for telling me that." He said into my hair.

I pulled away from him. "Night Sirius."

He grinned. "Night Princess."

"Princess?" I questioned.

He winked. "Yup."

"Why Princess?"

"Because to me Y/N, you are a princess."

I smiled. "Thanks. Well, we should get to bed now."

He nodded. "See ya tomorrow Princess."


	9. 9

"I still don't get it." I groaned.

"It's not that hard Y/N." Said Severus.

"Well you are basically a potion genius. I am not."

He laughed. "I am also rather good at casting curses."

I cracked a smile and playfully elbowed him. "You are also apparently good at bragging."

He playfully rolled his eyes. "Back to what you are confused about,"

Severus and I have gotten even closer over the past week. We hang out all the time. We have also kissed and held hands quite a bit. We aren't boyfriend and girlfriend yet though. I hope he asks me about it soon.

The bell for dinner rang. We gathered up our stuff and left the library.

I sat down at the Gryffindor table next to Peter.

"Hey guys." I said.

"Hi." They all said together.

"Guess what!?" Said Sirius.

"What?"

"You will never guess!" Interjected James.

"Then tell me for god sake."

"Peter has a girl chasing after him."

My eyebrows shot up and I quickly turned to Peter. "You do??"

He shyly nodded.

"Who is it?!" I asked excitedly.

"Matilda Higgens."

"The Hufflepuff?" I asked.

Peter nodded. "Yeah."

"She sent him a note during transfiguration this afternoon." Said Remus.

I side hugged Peter. "That's wonderful!!" Peter never gets anyone so I am so excited for him. He's such a nice person and he deserves someone.

"Attention students." Boomed a voice. I pulled away from Peter and looked up at the staff table.

Dumbledore was standing at the podium. The Great Hall quieted. "Now that I have everyone's attention, there is something I would like to address. We will be having a Christmas dance! It will be held on the twenty third of December. This is the second one we have ever had. The first one was a decade ago. I hope you all are as excited as I am."

Everyone started clapping and cheering. So I guess it's official. There were rumors going around about it but nothing was announced until now. I wonder if Severus will ask me.

I shook the thought from my head. Besides, even if he did ask me we wouldn't even be able to dance together. Or even talk. Maybe I should just go with Sirius. I know he would go with me if I needed a date.

"Are you going to ask Lilly?" Sirius's voice pulled me out of my thoughts.

James blushed. "Probably. Do you think she would say yes?"

"Of course she will!" I exclaimed.

"Alright. Then I will." James smiled.

"Good!"

Something from across the room caught my eye. A sixth year Slytherin was walking toward Severus. She stopped right next to him. She said something and he slowly looked up annoyed. The girl said something again. Severus rolled his eyes and shook his head. I saw his mouth make the word 'no.' Did she just.... Did she ask him to the dance?

Severus looked away from her and our eyes met. My lips parted.

I snapped out of it and quickly looked away. Why do I feel jealous? It's not like Severus is my boyfriend or anything. And besides, he said no. Maybe it's just the possibility of him saying yes to someone.

I sighed. It would be better if he dated a Slytherin anyways. It would be less drama and would cause less problems.

"Got your eye on anyone Sirius?" Asked Remus.

"Nah. I am sure I am going to have to go with Y/N though." He winked at me.

I scoffed. "Are you implying that I can't get a date?"

He shrugged.

I rolled my eyes. "Ridiculous. If I wanted to ask someone I would. I am sure I could get a date faster than you." I said with some sass.

"Well who are you going to ask then?" Asked James.

I noted that Remus isn't saying much. He was staring at his plate in front of him. I still need to tell him I don't like him. I will later tonight. Or maybe tomorrow. Or maybe never. I really don't want to. I don't want to hurt his feelings.

"I don't know yet. Probably no one."

Sirius quirked an eyebrow. "You aren't going to ask anyone after that speech you gave?"

"Maybe I am waiting for someone to ask me."

Remus's head shot up. Shit. I should not have said that. Now he thinks I am waiting for him to ask me. "I need to get going." I stood up.

"Where are you going?"

"Uh. Homework. Severus gave me so much to do and I need to finish it before tomorrow."

Remus stood up. "Do you want any help?"

"I think I got it. Thanks though." I quickly turned and left the great hall.

I found myself standing at the railing at the astronomy tower. I rubbed my hands up and down my arms to try to warm them up.

I didn't want to risk running into the guys. Especially Remus. I have no idea how I am going to tell him I don't like him.

And Severus. What was I going to do about him? It's not like we could actually date. Maybe I should tell him next time I see him.

What if I am just a fling to him? What if he doesn't actually care about me?

I felt sadness starting to consume me. I felt the urge tugging at my gut.

"Y/N?" Called a voice. I turned. Severus stepped out from the stairwell.

"Hey." I said quietly. He walked over to me.

"Aren't you cold?"

I shrugged and turned back to the railing. "Y/N."

"What?" I asked without turning.

"What's wrong?" He asked gently.

"Nothing is wrong."

He moved so he is standing next to me at the railing. I can feel the heat radiating off him. I want to lean in close to him. I want to feel that heat right on my skin. But I can't.

"Please tell me." He pleaded.

"There is nothing to tell."

"Do you not trust me? Did I do something?" His voice got so quiet that I turned to look at him.

He was looking back at me. He searched my face for whatever was wrong.

"That's not it." I said.

He grabbed my hands. "Then what?" He asked gently.

I shook my head. "Y/N, please tell me." He pleaded.

"I just," I felt tears prick my eyes. "We can't do this." I said so quietly it was barely audible. I gently tugged my hands from his grasp.

"What are you talking about?"

"We can't see each other anymore."

"What? Why?" His voice cracked.

"Because we can't be seen with each other. We can't date. We can't let anyone know we are seeing each other. And If we did tell people you would get crap and so would I. Maybe this is just a fling to you. And maybe you don't care about me like I care about you but we need to stop this."

"You are not a fling to me." He said fiercely. "Never think or say that again. I care so much about you. More than you could imagine. We can figure it out. I graduate next year. You can tell people then."

I shook my head. "No."

"Y/N please," He begged. "I need you. I want you. I promise we will figure it out."

I met his gaze. His eyes bore into mine. I could see the wanting. And possibly something else I couldn't place. The way he was looking at me made my heart crack.

I need him too. How could I think those things? We would figure it out. I know we could.

"Ok." I said.

"Ok what?"

"We will figure it out."

Severus let out a sigh of relief and gave me a small smile. "Good." He closed the space between us and hugged me. I wrapped my arms tight around his waist.

"I am sorry. I am just so stressed right now and I wasn't thinking right."

He gave me a small squeeze. "It's ok. I am just glad I didn't lose you."

I pulled back slightly to look at him. "Me too."

He smiled. His gaze flicked back and forth from my eyes to my mouth. He slowly leaned in. I raised up on my tippy toes and pressed my lips to his. I wrapped my arms around his neck to pull him closer. He placed his hands on my hips. I slowly started to move my lips. He quickly responded.

He ran a hand through my hair.

I like Severus so much. I don't know what I would do without him.

After a while we pulled apart. We smiled at each other.

"I really like you Y/N."

"I like you too."

"We should get inside. I am freezing."

I nodded. He grabbed my hand and led me down the stairs.


	10. 10

I sat down next to Severus in our usual study spot.

"You're late." He said.

I rolled my eyes and smiled. He smiled back.

"Whatever." We both laughed.

We got to work. I honestly love hanging out with Severus. I feel like he understands me.

We gathered up our stuff.

"Hey Y/N."

I turned to him. "Yeah?"

"Do you maybe want to go to the dance with me? We don't have to dance or talk to each other but we will still like, technically be eachothers date."

I thought for a moment. "Sure."

He smiled. "Great."

"Y/N!" Called someone. I turned around. Remus was running toward me. His footsteps near silent on the grass.

"Hey." I said as soon as he stopped

"How are you?"

"Fine. You?"

"Ok. Anyways I was just wondering if you maybe wanted to go to the dance with me?"

I knew this would probably happen.

"I am really sorry Remus but someone already asked me."

His face fell. "Oh umm alright."

"But I think Olivia needs a date."

"I don't like her though." He said quietly.

I took a deep breath. "Listen Remus, I really like you but only as a friend. You are so nice to me and I know you really care about me. I care about you too. But I don't like you the way you like me. I should have told you sooner and I am so sorry."

Remus stayed silent for a moment. "Thanks for telling me atleast."

"I am really sorry Remus."

"It's fine. Well I should go."

"Alright b-"

He turned and left before I could finish what I was saying.

I plopped down on the couch next to Sirius with a sigh.

"What's wrong Princess?"

I covered my eyes with the palms of my hands. "Remus asked me to the dance and I rejected him."

Sirius placed a hand on my shoulder. "Did you tell him how you feel about him?"

I looked at him. "Yeah. I told him I couldn't go because someone asked me already and-"

"Someone asked you?"

I blushed. "Yeah."

"Who?"

"I can't say who."

"Come on Y/N. I won't tell anyone."

I shook my head. "I can't. I am sorry."

"Well I will see you with them at the dance anyways."

I nodded. "Yeah you will." I lied. Severus is my date to the dance but we can't actually talk or dance with each other.

"Well, I am glad that you finally told Remus."

"Me too."

Sirius laid his arm across my shoulder and I rested my head on his shoulder.

"I love you Princess." He whispered.

"I love you too."

I laid in my bed. I wish I could actually go to the dance with Severus. But then people would find out. And the guys would hate it. I mean, they hate Severus and think is a horrible person.... That's it! I have an idea! The perfect plan.


End file.
